Thoughts/Answers

Hey,

I hope you guys are having a wonderful week. If you are from Washington like where I am from – it has been absolutely beautiful here, sunshine but bit chilly. The next 7 days we are expecting rain. After seeing someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time, I was just so happy to see her. She is the connection I will end up making to get my self back into the church, The Bible Study Group she is going to run will be one of them. It will be my networking to meet more Catholic people, more people I can have a connection with. (If you remember a while back I wanted to meet more people, and get my self back on the right track, this is the way to go – and no I am not getting rid of any of my old friend, I couldn’t, I love them!)

I have been thinking after a while, I am truly blessed with the people in my life, each one of them. I am married to a wonderful man, after seeing my friend today at the coffee place – she actually gave me something to feel good about – my marriage, will help me later on with my struggles, and I need to work on not trying to “push” things, and now I feel more relaxed about it, gave me more confidence. I have my wonderful family(s), there will be times when we do not get along, but what family is perfect? We just have to work them through it, I have a wonderful “second” family – the family I have created on my own – which would be my two best friends – Whitney and Mario, having Whitney’s family taking me in, I haven’t seen them in such a long time, but I felt like a family to them as I grew up. I have wonderful friends, even if some doesn’t like how they dress, look, talk, behave… I still love each one of them. Everyone in my life I am extremely blessed with, even the ones that doesn’t like me, that’s okay, I have backed off a lot, I am not so uptight and worried about “What can I do?” if they don’t like me, they don’t like me, I may not know the reason, but I can only be a better person for me. I know I am a warm loving sweet caring girl, I have a really big heart (I hear it from time to time it makes me feel so good), I am a family girl I love to be around my family even if I miss some functions I do feel bad about, but I try to go to every one of them. I am a loyal trustworthy person, I am a strong spirited person, I am a leader of myself, I do not follow anyone but me. I had a problem trying to make everyone happy, well, this year it ends. I will not go out of my way just to make one person happy to let them be unhappy, I learned it doesn’t work that way. If they cant deal with it, tough. I am happy just being me, more positive, has more of a insight in things. I do not allow the negative, the bad to get into my way.

Today I have gotten a new Bible (I know – “How many do you need?!” I have my old youth Bible, my 20 minute Bible, my Deaf Version Bible, now my Study Bible – funny, I don’t have a regular ol Bible! Lol) for the Study Group I have been praying for, I was able to get in contact with my old leaders when I was growing up, and I am blessed that God help me find the way there, even if its something so addicting for a lot of people – facebook. Her and I will develop a strong relationship, I know it. Now, all I have to do is wait. I just cant wait to meet new people or see the people from my old groups.

Deuteronomy 1:30

The LORD your God who goes before you will himself fight for you

This verse, is exactly what God is doing, he is fighting, and because I turned my back for a few years, I am fighting to get my way back. I know it will take time to mend our relationship, but God knows I am sorry for that, he knows I love him, I will stay loyal for Him. He shouldn’t have to fight to get me back, but I am glad He did. He created me, he made me the way I am, my body, my soul is desiring for good, my mind stays clean. Those times that my mind wander to the bad parts thinking the evil, the devil talks in my head, I say “No, I do not think like that” if he still makes me think the bad wanting me to hurt God, or doubt him, with a voice in my head “It wont hurt him” or “You really don’t feel that way, why do you do this? You think this is the way to Heaven?” I will say “Jesus save me” and the thoughts goes away. (It does work) Jesus helps me become more positive, take the evil thoughts out of my head, I know the devil wants me to lead to his way, but I can only hope I am worthy enough to go to Heaven.

This is something that is really hurtful, and one of my biggest fear, I said something about 5 6 years ago over a man who wasn’t good, he had a health problem ended up at the hospital, I have not even admitted this till now, my husband says I am not soulless which that is good – “I want him to be okay, I will sell my soul for him” and ever since, I have regretted that, I have talked to a man who worked at the church a few years ago he said he didn’t take it, I have talked to my Priest, he said if I am sorry its gone, its forgiven, my husband tells me I have a soul he didn’t take it. but why am I so worried?  It still hurts… I don’t want to follow the devil, I want to be good, I want to get myself in Heaven if he thinks I am worthy, I want to be worthy, I want to be good.

I know I have sinned a lot when I was growing up, but I know he forgives me.

“Heaven is filled with converted sinners of all kinds, and there is room for more” St. Joesph Cafasso.

There will be room for me, but will the devil still take me because I said something wrong? The guy was okay, but I don’t want to lose my soul because of that, or lose it at all. I guess if I am praying, and doing more good, he cant take it. right?

I gotta get off, this is becoming a little too negative, and it makes me worry.

Any advice will do. I got house work to do then I am going to read the Bible if I have time before my husband comes home (gotta make dinner)

God Bless

Amber