Changes to make...

Morning,

Yesterday was just so unbelieveably bad…

I walked out on target, the place is just so dark it affected my personality yesterday, it was so bad, I wrote something so nasty till someone called on it on facebook, I wrote a better one, no names no name calling no anger.

I read some of the bible, thanks to God he has helped me through yesterday I was completely alone going through this, last night was just so bad I didn’t know what to do…

At least I am out of the soulless environment, I hope the people I do like, get saved… they are trying to hang on… they need to get out… I will keep in touch with some of them, and hope for the best.

Today I will be doing a lot of “me” time and the Bible… missing church last week was the big mistake I made… next week I will miss church due to the fact I will be out of town, but I keep to keep the bond strong between me and God, and it needs to grow.

I haven’t had motivation to text people anymore, I don’t know why, when I do the convostations are short – maybe because I really dislike my phone, and I want a different one, I am actually considering going back to my old phone, even when it has bad battery, but I just cannot stand my phone. (no more smart phones for me) I really cant get used to it and I had it for more than 6 months.

I got the job, I passed the drug test, and Target took an advange to beat me down but they failed bad. Now that I will be in a better environment, pays a lot more, and it has a future for me… and they tried to harm it… well it failed for them. I will walk back into Target as a shopper tomorrow, and I may see them, but I expect good service or I will file a complaint.

I hope for the best for Target, maybe they will do some good, my job is giving back to the community.

I talked to my best friend yesterday, it kinda helped, over the VP (video phone) I do miss him a lot – hes in cali, and I wish he would still be here.. but hes happy.

I have so much changes i need to make - re connect with my friends... I am so nervous about starting a new carreer... it is a scary thing to go through

Got to run,

God bless

Amber

take control.....

Good Morning my friends,

It has been a lil while since I have updated. I would like to count my blessing this morning. I don’t know if people realize how lucky each one of them are. If they don’t, they just don’t want to see it. everyone will have their bad luck moments, but the more one thinks negative, the more one allow the badness to happen to them.

I try to keep positive, and try to think good, I make sure I ask Jesus to save me when the Devil tries to control my thoughts to negative. I do not judge like I used to, I do not think badly about others or myself like I used to. No need, the more I think badly the more I am going towards the darkness… God calls me, and tries to pull me back into the light. I am not saying I would go to Hell, but I would miss out on a lot of the stuff God has to offer instead of the Devil.

I have not heard from the Job yet, I will call them today, if I do not get this job, I will be extremely bummed because this is the job I really want, but I know I will have more confidence to do some job searching else where. I know I will find a job that accepts me for me, appreciates me and my hard working and a positive environment. I still hope I get this job, but it is all up to God, I am letting him take hands, but I know if my prayers aren’t answered, this job isn’t for me.

Some people may still think negative towards me, acts negative towards me, hanging on to the negative side…. I pray for those, everyone should be happy with everything they have, even if they cannot stand the person/thing they deal with. Stress is one of the bad things people have to deal with their everyday life, but we shouldn’t take upon pity. God would want us to move forward, and love our life, if there is something we cannot love, fix it – that’s what I am doing. I love my life, I love everything except one thing, I have to leave and open another door God has to offer me. You know what they say “When one door closes another opens that’s what God has to offer you” these thoughts in my head wanting to test God but I make sure I say “I do not test him” then the more thoughts, again I say “Jesus save me” even if it is a few times, but I know the Devil still feels he can control my thoughts and action. I will not let myself fall again. He is mad that I am back on the right path.

I guess my faith has shaken when it turns out that my favorite priest that I actually wanted him to marry me and my future husband, gotten attacked, one sick person thinks they could get money from the Catholics saying he molested him, and we know it isn’t true, he resigned and went through the investigation he was proven innocent, he left because he didn’t want us to go through the bad things they are creating. Which is very considerate of him, but it was one of the most heartbroken, hardest thing I had to deal with. I cried so hard, I kept the magazine article, I couldn’t believe some sick person out there would attack the innocent. Because of the Devil controlling that horrible soulless man to hurt a innocent man. I know I need to let that go, but that was the hardest moment of my life, my path gotten crooked the Devil took an advantage of that and pulled me away. It will not happen again. God has worked so hard to pull me back, after years of not going to Church, was a big mistake, I should have never turned my back to my church. The things I was involved with, I cannot take it back but I know God forgives me, it has been blocked out of my memories I don’t even remember them anymore, I don’t want to remember the bad.

Catholic jokes – are NOT funny, they are extremely hurtful towards me and my relgion. I would appreciate if one doesn’t say anything mean towards the Catholic, or bad jokes. They are the trigger (Including Micheal Jackson – I believe in my heart he was innocent) if one says something bad, I will confront “I think that is not funny, and I am Catholic that is a insult towards me” if they ask me why I will tell them because that is how I feel, and I would appreciate if one doesn’t do it again around me. People I see I should expect them to know how to treat one or another – including the knowledge of how to talk to each other. If they are Black – do you tell a racist joke to the black person if your white? No you don’t – its pretty much like that. This may sound snotty but its pretty much common sense. I do not know any Catholic jokes because no one says anything, and I appreciate that no one did.

I am gonna get around, I am already on my second cup of coffee – today is St. Patricks day – it is my grandfather’s birthday and my cat’s 6^th birthday.

Have a blessed day

God Bless,

Ambr

Questions.... more questions...

Good Morning,

After I wrote my entry about my near death experience last night (On facebook). It had me thinking, I had the most important question that needs to be asked… I had this same question for years and it came up just now… I need to speak with my priest. I am so nervous to hear the answer because I think it will hurt me if it is the bad news…My mother in law left me a comment about how she likes to think her mom is watching over her and protect her. Had me thinking about what about my family members that has passed away?

I had my uncle before I was born, my mom’s husband, and my great grandmother and my two other great grandparents that I met and I remember everything about them  – I still have many memories about each one of them, including my uncle, I hear so many stories… who is the one protecting me? Who is my angel? (That isn’t the question I need to ask) there are some things I cant even admit, I try to talk about it with my husband, but it is the hardest subject to talk about. As a child I went through things I shouldn’t have been put through, but it made me stronger, and for our kids I hope they NEVER experience the things they did as a child like I did. I turned out very lucky. I had one of the best childhood I could think of, maybe not as good as most but the best I could think of, my parents did their best…. They are the best. I couldn’t ask for anyone better.

I am not questioning my faith, I am wanting to LOOK for answers… I hope I find them. even if this happened many years ago, it STILL hurts me. Everyone has experience loss in their lives. Weather they want to admit it or not. I lost some very important people in my life, and I am so terrified to know who is next, because I am so close to my family, and the “second family” I have created. My brother and sisters, (that includes Mario and Whitney). I feel those two are my blooded… always have. no one is ever going to take that away from us. Even if one doesn’t feel the way I do.

I am sitting here with my mind racing all over the place, I am truly blessed with what I have. I am still pretty shaken up, and I don’t know why. I know it is the hardest thing people have to go through, and also sit here and think about who they have lost, who saved you. The one thing that adds up – God – he granted me this, he gave me everything, he lead me to paths, he gave me the Angels. My love have grown so much… all I can I say is Thank you God. I have so many questions I want answered, I know I wont know them all, but it will take time.

I have been so sensitive lately, God helped soften my heart, I cried about Japan, I cried about my friends and their worries about the people in Cali and Hawaii and Japan. I cried for their pain, because I couldn’t take it away but pray. I try not to pray for my selfness… I pray for others. It almost makes me feel guilty to ask people to pray for me to get this job, I gotten a job interview yesterday I believe it went well.

After last night I should have been hurt or killed… it isn’t going to leave my head… it makes you think twice…

I have to get around for the day

Have a blessed weekend, God Bless,

Amber

My gift is yours...

Hey Everyone,

I should be getting ready for the day… I made a mistake craming things in today… but that is okay. I am pretty nervous because I will be handing out some present to a couple of women today. I hope they like my work. I ordered some stuff from online some crosses, and I posted it on facebook I could make three more who ever wants them, but I realize I am OUT of wires… the strong kind, I will have to pick some up this weekend. This hobby is very addicting, I ignored my duties as a housewife so today its going to kick my butt… I got to scrub down the kitchen and clean the living room, and while my husband has game night tonight… no bath – its folding laundry. That’s what I get for getting distracted, and I need to read the Bible some more, I completed April’s reading which I was very excited.

I went to Mass yesterday morning, left work early just for it, gotten his pamphlet I cant wait to read every one of those readings they provide. I am considering going to church 2 3 times a week while I am not working as much. Why not? If the message is going to be different, I can hear the messages and pray even more.

I posted this on facebook the other day – I just couldn’t believe how awesome God is, something I needed to hear during my hardship that I am going through.

2 Samuel 22:2

The LORD is my rock and my fortress, and my deliverer.

Who could ask for a better verse for a time like this?! It just makes me so motivated to read more and more of his WORDS. The Devil still comes out and wanting to play with my mind, wasn’t going to happen. He tried to trick me when I didn’t get the job I was encouraged to apply (still waiting) but I knew it was a good thing. I gotten a letter from a friend in Togo – Do not ask me where that is – I have no idea. A new pen pal, he is a Priest in training, he wants to be one, he has to starve himself from the internet world, the day I came home from my last day of the temp job, I gotten a letter he cheered me up, and I smiled because I was able to still learn. It was a message from God, I just know it. I was bummed but I finished the job with a smile on my face, I thanked God for this opportunity that I had.

Here is another interesting quote – from the ST. Thomas Aquinas

“Without work it’s impossible to have fun”

It had me thinking about this one, I knew the work of going to the path of God is fun, doing the things for other people is work and it is fun, working hard in life to get things is fun, even if one doesn’t like the job. I am working on Beading, and it gives me the pleasure of how happy one can get.

Yesterday morning, I went to work (Target) this co worker of mine, she bumped into me a few weeks ago at a craft store and she asked what I was getting I explained first timer and etc. she said “You should make me one of those…” I said “You want one?” she said yes… I said okay. Then two weeks later, I made all four bracelet the same that day, but I didn’t know when I would see her I asked her last week if she would be here (yesterday) and she said yes. Yesterday I brought it and I gave it to her, her eyes lit up, she was so happy, she was telling me how beautiful it was, and she was so grateful. I know she will cherish it. she didn’t think I was serious, of course I was. After giving a friend a bracelet the first gift I gave away she liked it, then my Aunt, I saw more happiness. I didn’t want to stop, I am so addicted to making things and giving it to people. There was no way I could make a lot of things and keychains for up for grabs and let it sit here. I would not wear them all.

My sister in law’s birthday is coming up, I have a present ready for her, then I have another sister in law’s birthday coming up, I will make her something too – I gotten a lot of small blue beads, I am a lil bored of blue right now, so this weekend I hope to get more beads and they will be different color, then I will go back to blue and finish them, no more buying in BULK! Lol.

Corinthians 10:20

I do not want you to be partners with demons.

One of the things I don’t have an understanding, I still don’t, how can someone allow the Devil take one’s soul? I want to help the soulless people but I cant – at least not right now I am not strong enough to defeat the harm that it could cause me and God. All I can do is be there if one needs me there. I can hope I help to light a match for them to start making room for light, and get the darkness to go away.

I don’t want any demons around me. If I am in a unsafe environment, I try to make things better for myself and them, or if it is that bad, I need to leave I couldn’t be alone. How can I face multiple demons alone? The Devil still tries to test me. I read something interesting (and I knew) but it was an important reminder, how the Devil tried to test Jesus. Telling him tell God to do this for that, and he told the Devil there will be no testing God to see if he is real. HE IS REAL. I pray to him I hope the prayers help, but I know sometimes I ask too much, but I will not expect him to grant it. I pray for other people more than I pray for myself, I don’t want to have a greed. If one doesn’t get answered, I will not blame God, nothing is his fault, he didn’t cause any of this, this is the plan, this is the future he sees.

I gotta get off and get ready for the day.

God Bless

Amber

new hobby, more desire to adopt...

Hello Everyone,

I have been naughty, I think after this blog I will be reading the Bible I was supposed to on Sunday but I didn’t have time or want to make time, I gotten too addicted to my Beading hobby I just discovered I have a talent, I want to expand. It will be my gift to people. I can only hope people like it. I do realize I do have the risk of being shoot down by some people who doesn’t have appreciation for it.

I started to think after reading http://www.nwae.org/Profile-WARE-dbC.php?tn=3&case=c7980 I want to adopt this boy. Sadly I don’t have anything ready to be able to or the approval of adopting a child. I am pretty sure my husband wouldn’t agree to it. but he seems so wonderful, I can understand because we don’t have money for kids right now. It is my ultimate dream to have a deaf child. I am pretty sure our child will not be deaf, which is why I want to adopt a deaf child. This deaf child (adopted) may not be accepted by some people, but I am up for that challenge and I will not allow people to treat my children like they are nothing. They are going to be precious gift from God, and if they cant accept that one of my child is going to be deaf, or adopted, heck with them. those people will not understand my feelings.

My children will not be living in pity, when we have kids, the other kids on his side will be older and fleeing from the homes and our children would be younger, its going to be a odd mix, my family don’t really do birthdays but going out and buy dinner and etc, but my in laws do birthdays for everyone, which is pretty cool. This year, I am not sure if I will host my birthday “cake and icecream” like they do, I never have since I was with my husband. Would it be worth to start now?  The last “birthday party” I had was my 25^th and my mom’s 50^th it was very last minute we each invited two friends there was no family other than my dad because well he is her spouse. But before that, I was like 14?

This year I would like to expand my Bead hobby, and buy myself a new coach purse… I know I just got one, but it was a total fake, and I was extremely upset, it is not like I ask a lot, so I am going to go down to the store and buy me a real one. A purse is not just a purse… not to me.

We are going to go on a birthday trip for me, but I am not sure where, or if I should, but if we go away, it would love it to be just the two of us, there is so much distraction here, I think we deserve a get away no friends, no families, no nothing. Go somewhere where we don’t have cell phone receptions, no internet, nothing. Too many technologies that gets in our way, that is a problem when it comes to couples. I remember the deacon told us that they have ways to break up a couple with things in the way. This is one of them, getting distracted with phones, tv, games and they ignore each other and lose communications. I don’t want that to happen. My husband is a Gamer, and I will make sure I go first before the xbox.

I am off to read the Bible and write to God. I haven’t heard anything about the job, I am in the waiting game, I am supposed to get an interview…

God Bless

Amber

You are Perfect.... I am perfect...

Good Morning,

I am in the process of trying to get things set for my new email account (Professional like) and it doesn’t seem like I can change my blogs, but I might have to try to copy and paste through words so it stays there…. I don’t know yet.

How is everyone today? Good I hope.

I am pretty nervous for today, since I have already discussed the temp job I am at right now, today would be the day I would find out, if not, tomorrow will be my last day there. My fingers are crossed, I prayed and prayed…. A friend of mine reminded me to trust in God, and I am so nervous, I prayed for him to help me calm… and he has so far…. This job is what I want, what I need.

I will be happy if it starts at MIM wage instead of the normal start pay, it will also help us live comfortably. I didn’t ask for benefits… (I already have my husband’s)

Next week I have an appointment with the eye place, and I picked out really cute glasses, its very very different from what I am used to… I am taking a risk to have this one, if I am lucky I will get two pairs with my second insurance.

God has been so good to me, since I have been in the bad patch for a while, with everything, I am already seeing me and my friends are drifting, but I know God will grant me with friends, I am not pushing them away, we all have our different views. I will always love them. there will always be my life long friends that I have been friends since with since elementary school.

God has created this world, on this world there is so many different race, so many different backgrounds, so many everything. I am deaf, and I am on this earth, I am proud that I am jointed in every culture. It is amazing, I am always curious about everyone’s religion. I will ask questions about them, see what they worship. I do my best not to preach, and I know I am supposed to spread the word, but this is what this is for, along with my experiences. I hope he isn’t upset that I am not doing it for facebook.

I have been listening to more Iworship music. And I am loving the words, every week I go to Church, and I love the songs they picked out for us to sing. I am loving how awesome he is… I am learning more and more everyday. Every time I think of him, I feel so proud.

Right now the song “Our God is an Awesome God”  this song has so much to it…

Deuteronomy 32:4

“The Rock is his work is perfect: for all his ways are justices”

This quote really got to me, made me to write it down… everything he made is perfect in so many ways. We all hear “we are not perfect…” but you are… look at you, you look in the mirror you make a judgment of yourself bad or good. But he created you, you are so beautiful. I looked in the mirror today and I was proud of myself, not because I tried to get healthier, but I am now realizing how perfect I can be that he has created.

Hebrews 13:4

Do not neglect to do good and to do share what you have for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

This one, is also very good to remind us to share. I know I don’t do enough volunteer work, but I have been doing Caring For Kids since I was 16 years old, almost 10 years, which is amazing, I am growing my hair out long to donate my hair. I have so many gifts to offer, some I haven’t discovered. I discovered that I can make jewelry, I can share that gift by donating, or make gifts for people. I recently discovered that like last weekend. I have my hair to offer for those kids who needs hair. Even when I have grey hair I will still offer it for older people. I have so much pride in myself and my self. I have my motivation to share, like this job, I come in (even at Target) with a positive mood, hoping it influence the others. Even if some are not successful, those negative people will stay negative as long as they want. I know I have to offer people to get out of that. This temp job I have been working at, very positive, and very friendly, this one lady who has to deal with angry customers, and I praise her for it, I know it cannot be easy to deal with all the negativity. Kudos to her.

The one thing I try to avoid is the negative mood.

I have to get off and finish get ready, pray for me to get the job/keep your fingers crossed…

God Bless

Amber

Adoption - i want to adopt a deaf child.

Happy Sunday everyone!!!

I gotten up earlier than I wanted to, so I am pretty much almost ready to go to Church, but I have a few minutes to spare! :-) to type out an entry….

Yesterday me and a friend met up for coffee, and we started to talk about adoption… which I really want to adopt a deaf girl – yep…. Because I know our child will NOT be deaf, and I want a child that is deaf. I know SOME of you already think it is kinda mean hoping (unless those have changed their minds when I talked about them years ago cuz now I am thinking about it more than ever) that the child I give birth to is deaf.

I became deaf from a allergic reaction to a shot, so therefore, our child will be hearing. I want to give birth to one kid – all NATURAL. I already have a list of who can come to the labor room (I am sorry, I don’t want people coming and visiting and so on, I will be in a a lot of pain, because I will not take any drugs, I will have a contract with the doctor to sign so he will not give me any kind of drugs unless it’s a medical reason of a C section I am hoping it isn’t…I will pray for a natural birth and I want it to be this way) my mom, my husband, my interp (Yep I already gotten my interp picked out… *pokes steph*) and the nurses and doctor… waiting room – immediate family, and the God parents of the baby (I already gotten em picked out, but I will have to discuss it with Chris later on). Breast feeding will be a private moment between me and the baby, if the nurse has to be there to instruct me, fine, and my husband can come in…. but I will not be showing anyone, pictures nothing related to breast feeding (I personally feel this is a private moment… but I know there is a lot of people who are open to it…) when in public I will have a wrap so no one can see… and I will try to avoid the public’s eye so therefore I will go to the family room if I am out.

So once the baby becomes around 3 or so, I think that would be a ideal time to adopt a older sibling for the child. A deaf girl from the states… I am thinking between 5 to 7, I will be 100 percent honest I don’t want to keep a secret from her that she is adopted… she should have every right, and so in case of something, for medical reason, she isn’t suspecting anything. Open adoption? No, I don’t think so. I prefer an adoption that the mother has nothing to do with the child. Because I do not want the child to have mix feelings, when the child is 18 years old, hoping the mother signed “No may not contact me” I am the MOTHER. I am sure I will be doing my research soon. It is one of my biggest dream to have a deaf child.

Thinking of this makes me so happy, because I really want it to come true. We planned on adopting a child, but I know I want my own flesh and blood, and make my parents happy to be a grand parent. But I know we all will love the deaf child as it was our own. I realize it will be a challenge to raise a deaf child, but I will work hard, make sure the child has good education, good reading level, good English skills.

One of the good parts of this – this child will have my environment, knowing to communicate with ASL :-) (for those who doesn’t know, ASL is a much easier communication FOR me because English is my second language. And it is still difficult for me to say things so I keep them “small” so I don’t use the big words and make a fool out of myself that I will get embarrassed. (it is not as bad as now as it used to be when I would be in class… and I would have the class laughing, and the teacher asking for repeats because she doesn’t understand what I am saying, highschool… awful times… or having a college class teacher asking me if I am from another country because of my accent…. That one was like a big ouchers…)  It can get embarrassing when I cant say it, and they keep correcting me… but I also know they are trying to help, and I appreciate it I do want to learn to say things right, however, if it’s the one thing I cant seem to say, then it get into a problem, it took me a LONG time to pronounce my niece/nephew’s name I believe they have Japanese names, it took me MONTHS to say them, I even practiced at home with Chris after meeting them that was my last struggle lol. I am not sure I am saying them right or clearly but I know I say em better than before. I know I had a hard time (I STILL do) saying sushi – my favorite food, and now I think I am allergic… (I get a allergic reaction to shellfish, and lately I’ve shown a bad reaction to sea food too… >.< dang it my FAVORITE FOOD!!!!!) I still have Chinese as my favorite… lol.

Anyways, back to the point… it will encourage the younger sibling to sign… which that would be great… I will want to teach the baby signs so they are learning to sign also as they speak too. I believe this baby should have both languages… our dog is a deaf friendly dog… so all of her commands are verbal and ASL, I use ASL with her. The kids seem to get a kick out of “Speak” lol. I think that’s the one command that she doesn’t do verbal because it is over done by ASL (oops)

I gotta get back to getting ready – I get to wear the bracelet I made! <3 which I am gonna start making them for Christmas gifts and birthday gifts… I hope people would like the gifts I would share for them. (I am aware the boys wont have any unless its one of those cool key chains… that are manly enough) I am so excited I showed my mom she said that might be my gift, my talent… that I finally discovered… I am a very creative person… my mom always have told me that… I went to the store I asked for a brutally honest opinion about the bracelet, she said it looked good, and how she liked so and so… I asked how long does it look like I have been doing this? She said a while, but she was kinda surprised that it was my first attempt (well second when I made the first one too big) I need to start looking for cheaper beads because they are pricey and I want to make so many things, not just for me, for my friends, family, co workers… (Yes I am that generous.)

I spoiled myself last night… I went to body works… *gasp* I bought 2 deep lotion, 1 lotion, 1 body wash, 1 spray, and I bought another lotion for my mom…. I had a hard time deciding WHAT lotion to wear today! *giggles*

God Bless

Amber